People keep asking me how I feel. All I want to tell them is, "It's...complicated."
I am happy that I will have relief from my many physical "woman" problems, but as I stated before, it's complicated.
We were done having babies (I had a tubaligation after my csec with Mals), but I almost feel ungrateful to my Heavenly Father for "rejecting" the gift and miracle of creating life. This is no longer an option for me. I will not create another life while on this Earth.
Physically- I am healing really well, and quickly. Some mild discomfort, but I have been blessed with being a quick healer.
One year I looked out and saw that we did indeed have the greenest grass. It was early in the season, and didn't last long, but for a small time it was, in fact the greenest grass. Could we possibly look at our own lives and think the same thing?
I have always been quite optimistic, positive, and happy. I have been blessed far beyond my ability to fully appreciate. I have been asking myself many questions as I remember the grass from a few years ago. What things in my life would change if I lived by my sister? (I have spent too much time contemplating it.) Would we be able to make enough money to live in such an area? Would some of my relationships change? Would I not live close enough to her to be everything I have hoped for? Would I leave the comfort of my home, friends, church family, and beautiful community to see that it wasn't what I thought it would be?
Perhaps for now, I need to realize how blessed I am. Ed has a good job with good benefits. The kids are all doing well. I have my go to people and am quite happy. I get to go visit my family every year. Maybe my grass is the greenest still.
If you are expecting something sarcastic, funny, or about my precious babies, you might want to skip this post. It is on a slightly more serious note.
I hope I don't get in trouble for writing this. For years, I have wanted to live in a warmer climate. I was diagnosed with Fibromayalgia three years ago, and I just feel better when it is warm. It would be nice to feel better more often so when people ask me how I feel, I don't have to fake a smile and say that I am feeling fine, when really all I want to do is find some strong meds and lay down.
Ed seems slightly open to the idea of living somewhere warm. I have to admit that the thought of being able to raise my babies alongside my sister is very appealing. I miss her so much.
So, where does the internal conflict come into play? I love this Valley. I love the people here. I love the school my kids go to. I love the teachers and staff at that school. I love the small town feel. I love watching the seasons change. I love taking my kids to Bear Lake in the summer. We have an amazing yard! I love it....BUT, I love my mom and dad. I love my sister and her family. I love my brothers and their familys. I miss my nieces and nephews so much. I cried half of the way home when I had to leave my sister's house after Ryder was born. I feel like I am missing my nieces and nephews (on my side) grow up. I love that in Ca everything you need is so close. There are so many things to do there.
If any of you think about it, I would love your prayers. I need to find a greater sense of peace. Whether we are to stay or go.
When our children lie to us or say something meam, they are told to go stand on the vinegar wall. It doesn't hurt them, but they HATE it!! Mallory has never had to have it, she is just too little, but here she is dishing it out to her naughty babies!